So much more than a whisper...

My prayer lately has been, that I be open to what God has to say to me. That I would be still, quiet my soul, let go, and let God. After praying this prayer many times lately, I must be honest and say that this is a conscious effort and I have had to remind myself on many occasions to do so. It is very easy to get distracted with so many things going on, especially with my list of 'to-do's' to be too busy to be still and let my ears and heart be 100% available to the Lord. With a busy household consisting of my husband, two children, and our family dog, it sometimes can be quite the challenge to find a quiet place. This is why many times when I take a shower, this is also where I pray, quite a bit actually. Whenever I am tired, upset, overwhelmed, or just in need of a refresher, the shower has always cleared my mind and calmed me down. I think because it is as much a metaphorical cleanser as it is literal. Standing under the constant stream of water, it feels as if it is washing all the worry, stress, and anxiety away. I was having a bit of a stressful night, because in my head I was replaying some things that had been said that day or small occurrences that frustrated me and the more that I thought about it, the more overwhelmed I seemed to get. I have a tendency to do this to myself. I can be my own worst enemy at times.

I am just like my mom in the sense that I am a people pleaser. I am not trying to play the victim, nor do I expect sympathy. I am just naturally a passive person that never likes to upset others or have anyone mad at me. I believe this was a learned behavior that started when I was all of 2 years old. My biological dad was a very aggressive, intimidating man, whom most of the time I told what he wanted to hear, because I was afraid of what he might do. This is not a topic I want to go in depth about, nor am I ready to openly share, however, I do believe this had a big impact on how I dealt with conflict growing up. Since then, my biological dad and I have reconnected, and things have been moving slowly, in a positive direction. I believe his priorities have changed and he sincerely cares about me and my older brother, however, I do still struggle with feelings of fear and insecurity when I am around him. I'm hoping as time goes on these feelings will fade and there will be a sense of closure.

I seem to have quite a few dominant people in my life and knowing how to have relationships with these people is honestly puzzling to me. I have had people say to me before, "just speak your mind, or just stand up for yourself." This is much easier said then done and to put it into perspective for you, it would be just like telling a individual that always speaks there mind, to keep their mouth shut. I must say though, that in baby steps I am getting better each day at expressing myself and trying to let others know if I am upset about something. But you see, I have tried to speak my mind in the past, I have tried to express honestly and openly what is on my heart and I would say 99% of the time, I have been made to feel guilty about my feelings and in the end it only resulted in people being mad at me. Again, I am not playing the victim, I am just stating my personal experiences with conflict, and what the result has been in my situation. However, I do not think bottling everything up inside is healthy or constructive for relationships either. But as of right now, I am still in transition mode as to when and how I express what I am thinking and feeling, which leads me to the reason I wrote this post.

A few nights ago I was in the shower and like I said, that is where I do alot of my praying and I must admit I was having a bit of a pity party. I was praying to God asking how I would handle these relationships the rest of my life and not get worn out? How I would put a smile on my face and pretend everything was ok inside, when in actuality I was fuming? At the end, I remember saying, "if they always get to speak their mind, and they always get to be heard, God, when do I get to be heard?" After I said that, I felt guilty as if I was throwing a tantrum, as if I was a little kid on floor kicking my feet and pounding my fists against the ground, screaming, "when do I get my way!?" Right after I thought those words, I heard God whisper to me, "I hear you. You can tell me your hurts, you can tell me your frustrations. I am always here and will always be here for you. You can always come to me." And in that moment, those words touched my heart like nothing else ever has. I have such a BIG God that can move mountains, that can change water into wine, and yet He wants to take the time to listen to me! His wisper of a few sentences spoke a book of pages filled with love, encouragement and comfort. In essence He told me I was worthy, that I was significant. I was so encouraged by this message that I had to share it with a dear friend of mine that speaks words of love and encouragement to me quite often. And that is why I am sharing it with you! The world is an unfair place. We don't always get our way, nor are we treated right, but our God is bigger than any of this and He is ALWAYS there. If you quiet your soul and listen, He is whispering words of love to you.