What's that in the sky?

The weekend we spent up at my Grandparents for the Cancer Walk was incredible! The walk began at 3pm on Saturday and ended Sunday at 9am. I went with the girls and walked from 5 to 7pm, then went back home and put the girls to bed. I ended up falling asleep while putting Sophia to sleep and woke up startled, hoping I hadn't slept through my late night shift. Thankfully, my parents were just getting home as I was trying to fully wake up. My dad took me to the track at 11:30pm and I stayed there with my aunts and cousin, and little sister until 6am, all the while, dance-walking laps around the track, talking up a storm, and remembering the reason we were doing this! My Uncle Todd passed away last November and in honor of him, my Dad's entire family participated in the Cancer Walk. My Dad even pushed my sweet Grandpa around the track in his wheelchair. It was such a special celebration, that we as a family could do, for my Uncle Todd.

On our drive home, the sun was shining and we were all in great spirits. As I'm driving, I hear Sophia ask me, "Mommy, what's that? She then points up to the sky and asks again, "What's that up there? Mommy, is that Jesus up in the sky?" I'm looking and asking her where she's looking, and to her it was as plain as day. She was seeing something we weren't. She saw Jesus looking down on us as we drove home. Out of all of us in the car, Jesus appeared to her. She wasn't distracted by the things she needed to do when she got home, or the emails she needed to return. Nor was she pre-occupied with the many things going on around the world. Instead she was living in the moment, eyes and heart wide open, peeking up at the sky daydreaming in the clouds. She was 100% available and she saw Jesus! It comforted me, and also reminded me, when I pray for guidance, wisdom or signs from God, I also need to have my heart and eyes wide open and be available for Him to speak to me. It's incredible the lessons our little one's teach us, not only about life, but also about our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

Letting go...

When you lose someone, does the mourning process have an end? Will I one day wake up and be okay with the fact that my Uncle Todd isn't here with us? These questions were running through my head as I stood in the shower last night and all the sudden,the tears started streaming down my face. In my head I was thinking, 'I thought I got this all out, I thought this stage of mourning was over." I guess I was wrong. I was annoyed with myself, with the fact that I should be over these cry-fests, and stop blubbering and find peace in knowing that he is in heaven with God. I felt like I was having a pitty-party, like I'm the only one missing him, and I know the rest of my family misses he so very much too. After I got out of the shower, I found an old sweatshirt of his that I had requested after he had passed away, when my Dad was up there helping clean out his house. I hugged and squeezed it. And honestly, it really helped and felt as if I were hugging him tight.

Ever since my Uncle has passed away, I have had a dream every week with him in it. They are always happy and we are over having dinner at my grandparents, or at a family get together. He is never in pain or pictured as I saw him those last moments in the hospital bed before he passed. He is always full of life, healthy and smiling. Since I have been having these dreams, it has felt so much like he is still with me. As if for one day, each week, I have had the joy of really-truly spending precious moments with my uncle. It has been a blessing and almost as if he never left. But as my mind usually does, it started snowballing negative thoughts, and it scared me to think that a week might come and go that I wouldn't have a dream about my uncle. The week I had this thought, I had the most vivid dream of all:

We were up at my grandparents, the woman were in the kitchen cooking, the guys in the living room watching sports. Lots of chatter and laughter, the sun was shining and the aroma was some sort of delicious dinner cooking in the oven. I was in the kitchen when my Uncle Todd came in. The whole family was talking about going to my Dad's birthday party and all the travel arrangements. I told my Uncle he had to come and that it would be so fun. He then said to me, 'I don't think I can make it." 'Why?" I said, "You have to, everyone is coming and it wouldn't be complete without you there too!"
"Because, you are the only one that can see me, Lindsi. No one else can see me." With that, I think my heart stopped and I lost my breath. I ran into his arms, tears streaming down my face. "But I can't leave you, you have to come with us, I'll miss you too much!"
"He hugged me tightly and said with peace in his voice and a slight smile, "It's okay, you go ahead. I will be just fine. I will always be here and will never leave you. You can let go now." In my dream I felt a sense of peace and closure come over me. My Uncle Todd was telling me that it was okay to enjoy my days, that I could be happy and not feel guilty because he was not here enjoying it with us. That I didn't have to miss him, because he never left...

I feel my Uncle around me constantly in the little things. When I look at my Dad, I see similarities of my Uncle Todd. When I see anything to do with soccer, music, or SCI-FI, I think of him. When I'm up in Washington at my Grandparents house, I think of him because he was over there literally everyday having dinner and helping my grandma and grandpa. He loved records, movies, board games and poker, but most of all his family. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him, nor do I think the sudden onset of tears will ever completely end, but the wonderful thing I do know is that this separation between our family and my uncle isn't for eternity. That one day we will get to see him again. One day I can run into his arms and give him another big hug! But for now when I see these things that remind me of him, I will smile and know in my heart, he is still a part of us.