Letting go...

When you lose someone, does the mourning process have an end? Will I one day wake up and be okay with the fact that my Uncle Todd isn't here with us? These questions were running through my head as I stood in the shower last night and all the sudden,the tears started streaming down my face. In my head I was thinking, 'I thought I got this all out, I thought this stage of mourning was over." I guess I was wrong. I was annoyed with myself, with the fact that I should be over these cry-fests, and stop blubbering and find peace in knowing that he is in heaven with God. I felt like I was having a pitty-party, like I'm the only one missing him, and I know the rest of my family misses he so very much too. After I got out of the shower, I found an old sweatshirt of his that I had requested after he had passed away, when my Dad was up there helping clean out his house. I hugged and squeezed it. And honestly, it really helped and felt as if I were hugging him tight.

Ever since my Uncle has passed away, I have had a dream every week with him in it. They are always happy and we are over having dinner at my grandparents, or at a family get together. He is never in pain or pictured as I saw him those last moments in the hospital bed before he passed. He is always full of life, healthy and smiling. Since I have been having these dreams, it has felt so much like he is still with me. As if for one day, each week, I have had the joy of really-truly spending precious moments with my uncle. It has been a blessing and almost as if he never left. But as my mind usually does, it started snowballing negative thoughts, and it scared me to think that a week might come and go that I wouldn't have a dream about my uncle. The week I had this thought, I had the most vivid dream of all:

We were up at my grandparents, the woman were in the kitchen cooking, the guys in the living room watching sports. Lots of chatter and laughter, the sun was shining and the aroma was some sort of delicious dinner cooking in the oven. I was in the kitchen when my Uncle Todd came in. The whole family was talking about going to my Dad's birthday party and all the travel arrangements. I told my Uncle he had to come and that it would be so fun. He then said to me, 'I don't think I can make it." 'Why?" I said, "You have to, everyone is coming and it wouldn't be complete without you there too!"
"Because, you are the only one that can see me, Lindsi. No one else can see me." With that, I think my heart stopped and I lost my breath. I ran into his arms, tears streaming down my face. "But I can't leave you, you have to come with us, I'll miss you too much!"
"He hugged me tightly and said with peace in his voice and a slight smile, "It's okay, you go ahead. I will be just fine. I will always be here and will never leave you. You can let go now." In my dream I felt a sense of peace and closure come over me. My Uncle Todd was telling me that it was okay to enjoy my days, that I could be happy and not feel guilty because he was not here enjoying it with us. That I didn't have to miss him, because he never left...

I feel my Uncle around me constantly in the little things. When I look at my Dad, I see similarities of my Uncle Todd. When I see anything to do with soccer, music, or SCI-FI, I think of him. When I'm up in Washington at my Grandparents house, I think of him because he was over there literally everyday having dinner and helping my grandma and grandpa. He loved records, movies, board games and poker, but most of all his family. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him, nor do I think the sudden onset of tears will ever completely end, but the wonderful thing I do know is that this separation between our family and my uncle isn't for eternity. That one day we will get to see him again. One day I can run into his arms and give him another big hug! But for now when I see these things that remind me of him, I will smile and know in my heart, he is still a part of us.