Nature vs. Nurture...

Nature vs, Nurture...this has always been a huge debate. How does a child develop character and personality? Which has the most underlying influence on the growth and development? I have always thought both, but not in the sense of one really being a catalist or usher in the latter. You might be going, huh? What the heck does she mean? I'll explain.

I always thought that every child was born with innate characteristics and what the child was lacking or needing, the nurturing would somehow balance out. Kind of like a 50/50 understanding. In my head it has always made sense, that if something is broken, you fix it. Or if someone needs help, with something, you do it for them. That's helping right? Wrong.

Today, a light bulb just went on in my head, and I realized, that maybe I go about things in the wrong way when it comes to nurturing my girls growth and learning. My nurturing has not been 'nurturing' at all. Instead of nurturing 'the nature' part of my girls, sometimes I bend, force, or take over. I have little patience, yet I am constantly work on this area, hoping one day I can have patience like my Mother, who is practically an angel. No, really, she is! I guess, what I'm trying to say in not so many words (or a whole lot, lol), is if your anything like me, instead of trying to fix your children's short comings or weakness, rather then do it for them, or showing them to do it your way, try to 'nurture' their 'nature' so that they can grow to be who God made them to be. Nurture the areas they are still growing in and let them know that it's okay if they have their own way of coming to a solution or that you believe in their inner ability enough to step back and let them figure it out on their own. I think there is harm to being over involved in your children's growth and development. Sometimes parents have such high hopes and dreams for their children, that they start to take over and stunt their kid's natural gifts, talents, dreams, and opinions.
I look at my girls and it brings me to tears to think of Sophia trying to be who 'I' want or think she should be. The girl has a hard time with rhythm when it comes to dancing, but man does she love to dance! And I want her to always dance her heart out as if she's the best dancer in the world. I love art, but it doesn't mean that I need to push her in that direction because she should take after me. She could like math!?!

You don't realize until you become a parent, why your parents used to say,"because I just want what's best for you,or 'this is the way I do things'. And now I see and have experienced how easy it is to get wrapped up in the idea that we are the sole 'potter' for our children and who they become. No matter how much I try to make Sophia this passive little thing, she will NEVER be that way. She will always have an opinion, and see things in her own way. And I now realize how much I was trying to make her like me. It's sad, but the honest truth. I thought to myself, well this is how I was as a little girl, and this is how she should be. I wasn't used to the strength and motivation and independence that she portrayed from such a young age and rather than try to wear that down, I need to celebrate and nurture the fact that she will never take any guff from any guy and will never be anyone's doormat. Alot of her qualities, I wish I had. She is such an amazing little girl at the young age of 3 1/2. Most people think she's going on 5. She's a thinker and a do-er and so confident in her ability. It makes me feel horrible to think I was trying to change or stunt who God made her to be, simply because it did not fit the warped mold of 'the perfect little girl' that I had in my head. I put so much pressure on myself growing up, to be perfect in everyone's eyes, that I just now feel I am becoming who I'm truly supposed to be. I never want Sophia to be someone she isn't, or feel she needs to change to make others happy.I am so proud of my Sophia and that she goes at life with gusto, and yeah she may not have finesse, but she is strong and confident and absolutely loves life! I now see that her weakness were only weakness in my eyes, because of my perfectionist/achiever personality. Man, do you learn alot about life when you become a parent. I can almost bet, my girls are teaching me more, then I am, them. My hope is that as a parent, I bring out the natural best in my children, that these precious little girls the Lord has entrusted to me and Jeff blossom into the two incredible woman God has created them to be and that our nurturing does not stunt them, but rather assists them in their dreams and goals. This is what I think about as a parent and though my mind often worries, I know they are in God's care and provision and though I may fail them from time to time, He never will!

Unconditonal Love...

Have you ever wondered why a dog is a man's best freind, or why you just can't seem to get enough of little kid's hugs and kisses? It kind of came to me in the form of an epiphany while talking with my aunt on a late night, back road drive, while up in Washington. I think the reason puppies/dogs and children are so heart warming to us, is because despite our bad moods, or lack of sleep, our adult tantrums, our forgetfulness, our everchanging minds, and our self focus, they love us anyways. They fill our souls with a sense of peace, constancy, and sincerity. There's just something special about a child's tender hug, or a dogs wet kiss, because they do these things with no ulterior motives, no conditions, just purely out of the unconditional love they have for us. We can depend on our dogs and we can depend on our kids. Often, many people's pets are their children and it makes perfect sense to me now. They have the same uninhibited vulnerability, and transparent display of affection. They love with all their hearts, never contemplating rejection, never pondering jealousy. Their love is honest, pure and full of grace. This may sound like a 'duh' statement, but have you ever thought that maybe the reason God gave us children was not so that we could teach them about life, but rather that they could teach us about ourselves and our relationships? I feel like I have learned so many more life lessons from my girls, than I have taught them their ABC's or how to count. I thought that once I became an adult, I would pretty much know all I needed to know and I would be who I was supposed to be. Yet, sometimes I feel like I'm the child and my daughter is so much wiser beyond her years. Half of me is relieved, that it's okay that I'm still growing, and the other half is excited to see who I'll be 10, 20, 30 years from now! I don't have to figure life all out at the age of 27, but I do need to start loving like a child, unconditionally and full of grace!

Spin with me Mommy...

I have had tunnel vision lately in the worst way. It has brought me frustration, self-doubt, tears, and anger, however, God gently and lovingly pulled up a magnifying glass to my eyes and showed me in the little moments this weekend, where my focus should truly be. I am a nurturer, a Momma, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am human and make mistakes. I am a student still learning about life.
When my oldest says, 'spin with me Mommy,' as her eyes are closed and face up to the sky, I think to myself, I wish I had the free-spirit she has. It constantly amazes me how my 3 1/2 year old little girl can teach me so much about life in a simple twirl in the front yard. Or when she says, 'Can you just come sit with me Momma.?' She doesn't want some of me, she wants all of me. Isn't this so true of our Heavenly Father.? He wants all of our heart, mind, soul, and body. Not half, not 3/4, but all of it.
Honestly, I can say that hasn't been the case lately. Have you ever gotten stuck on the 'me' syndrome temporarily? Not a pretty sight, nor curable on your own energy. It takes the love of a Father to open your eyes to see the wonder, amazement, and breathtaking beauty in both the scenarios that surround your everyday life, and also in those big innocent eyes of your child. If we let it, the world will rub it's ugliness off on us and toss us aside, but if we cling to the pureness and truth that we have in our Savior, we will never be seeking a cure to fill the void. Here's to dancing through life one twirl at a time!

What's that in the sky?

The weekend we spent up at my Grandparents for the Cancer Walk was incredible! The walk began at 3pm on Saturday and ended Sunday at 9am. I went with the girls and walked from 5 to 7pm, then went back home and put the girls to bed. I ended up falling asleep while putting Sophia to sleep and woke up startled, hoping I hadn't slept through my late night shift. Thankfully, my parents were just getting home as I was trying to fully wake up. My dad took me to the track at 11:30pm and I stayed there with my aunts and cousin, and little sister until 6am, all the while, dance-walking laps around the track, talking up a storm, and remembering the reason we were doing this! My Uncle Todd passed away last November and in honor of him, my Dad's entire family participated in the Cancer Walk. My Dad even pushed my sweet Grandpa around the track in his wheelchair. It was such a special celebration, that we as a family could do, for my Uncle Todd.

On our drive home, the sun was shining and we were all in great spirits. As I'm driving, I hear Sophia ask me, "Mommy, what's that? She then points up to the sky and asks again, "What's that up there? Mommy, is that Jesus up in the sky?" I'm looking and asking her where she's looking, and to her it was as plain as day. She was seeing something we weren't. She saw Jesus looking down on us as we drove home. Out of all of us in the car, Jesus appeared to her. She wasn't distracted by the things she needed to do when she got home, or the emails she needed to return. Nor was she pre-occupied with the many things going on around the world. Instead she was living in the moment, eyes and heart wide open, peeking up at the sky daydreaming in the clouds. She was 100% available and she saw Jesus! It comforted me, and also reminded me, when I pray for guidance, wisdom or signs from God, I also need to have my heart and eyes wide open and be available for Him to speak to me. It's incredible the lessons our little one's teach us, not only about life, but also about our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

Letting go...

When you lose someone, does the mourning process have an end? Will I one day wake up and be okay with the fact that my Uncle Todd isn't here with us? These questions were running through my head as I stood in the shower last night and all the sudden,the tears started streaming down my face. In my head I was thinking, 'I thought I got this all out, I thought this stage of mourning was over." I guess I was wrong. I was annoyed with myself, with the fact that I should be over these cry-fests, and stop blubbering and find peace in knowing that he is in heaven with God. I felt like I was having a pitty-party, like I'm the only one missing him, and I know the rest of my family misses he so very much too. After I got out of the shower, I found an old sweatshirt of his that I had requested after he had passed away, when my Dad was up there helping clean out his house. I hugged and squeezed it. And honestly, it really helped and felt as if I were hugging him tight.

Ever since my Uncle has passed away, I have had a dream every week with him in it. They are always happy and we are over having dinner at my grandparents, or at a family get together. He is never in pain or pictured as I saw him those last moments in the hospital bed before he passed. He is always full of life, healthy and smiling. Since I have been having these dreams, it has felt so much like he is still with me. As if for one day, each week, I have had the joy of really-truly spending precious moments with my uncle. It has been a blessing and almost as if he never left. But as my mind usually does, it started snowballing negative thoughts, and it scared me to think that a week might come and go that I wouldn't have a dream about my uncle. The week I had this thought, I had the most vivid dream of all:

We were up at my grandparents, the woman were in the kitchen cooking, the guys in the living room watching sports. Lots of chatter and laughter, the sun was shining and the aroma was some sort of delicious dinner cooking in the oven. I was in the kitchen when my Uncle Todd came in. The whole family was talking about going to my Dad's birthday party and all the travel arrangements. I told my Uncle he had to come and that it would be so fun. He then said to me, 'I don't think I can make it." 'Why?" I said, "You have to, everyone is coming and it wouldn't be complete without you there too!"
"Because, you are the only one that can see me, Lindsi. No one else can see me." With that, I think my heart stopped and I lost my breath. I ran into his arms, tears streaming down my face. "But I can't leave you, you have to come with us, I'll miss you too much!"
"He hugged me tightly and said with peace in his voice and a slight smile, "It's okay, you go ahead. I will be just fine. I will always be here and will never leave you. You can let go now." In my dream I felt a sense of peace and closure come over me. My Uncle Todd was telling me that it was okay to enjoy my days, that I could be happy and not feel guilty because he was not here enjoying it with us. That I didn't have to miss him, because he never left...

I feel my Uncle around me constantly in the little things. When I look at my Dad, I see similarities of my Uncle Todd. When I see anything to do with soccer, music, or SCI-FI, I think of him. When I'm up in Washington at my Grandparents house, I think of him because he was over there literally everyday having dinner and helping my grandma and grandpa. He loved records, movies, board games and poker, but most of all his family. I don't think I'll ever stop missing him, nor do I think the sudden onset of tears will ever completely end, but the wonderful thing I do know is that this separation between our family and my uncle isn't for eternity. That one day we will get to see him again. One day I can run into his arms and give him another big hug! But for now when I see these things that remind me of him, I will smile and know in my heart, he is still a part of us.

Make Time for Love...

With two little girls and the hustle-bustle of everyday life, I sometimes find me and my hubby's alone time being put on the back burner. Not that I don't LOVE spending time together as a family with our daughters, Sophia and Peyton. Actually this is when I usually laugh the hardest and feel the most complete. But I have found that with another child and my hobby/home business growing, our wife/hubby time has been more and more put in the category of 'later' or 'next time'. Let me clarify what I mean by 'alone time'; I mean talking, sharing, laughing, planning, and dreaming together. And as much as I know we have to make sacrifices for our children, I don't think we are meant to sacrifice our relationship with each other for the sake of our jobs/hobbies/and even our families 'wants'. Maybe I should explain in more detail...The strength of the family and structure of the family (in my belief) come from the bond and love between the parents. So in other words, if the parents display trust, contentment, love and encouragement, than the children will feel those same things and feel true joy and happiness. I adore my husband of 9 years to no end and I am so incredibly thankful to have some one so patient and understanding in my life. If you know me, you know I can talk anyone's ear off and I love to talk through problems, aspirations and even about mundane things such as hair and clothes, so to have a hubby that will sit there and listen to anything and everything lets me know he truly cares. But I also want to be there for him too and sometimes after caring for the girls all day, working on jewelry in between and then making dinner, keeping up with the house, by the time the girls have gone to bed, I'm pooped and ready for bed myself. I simply have no energy left for him and this realization kills me! My biggest fear in life is that I would get caught up in the everyday routines and almost become a robot in my schedule and lose my zest for life and love. I have such an 'achiever' personality that I tend to focus so much on the goal and lose sight of the process. Like I said in a few posts back, I am getting better at living in the moment, but still need a refresher every once in a while. Well this is my refresher and I am seeing my life playing out in a whole new way. I am where I am in my life because this is exactly where God wants me to be. I feel like at times I am trying to run full force ahead and God is gently holding me back, lovingly saying to me, 'You're not quite ready for that yet, and when you are, I will be right beside you cheering you on!" I am not failing because I haven't achieved all my dreams, I am still in the 'process stage' of life. I am so in a rush to be finished, that I miss the small moments that are teaching me the most about who I am. One huge lesson I have learned recently is, I'm not afraid to fail because I now know it's not a personal thing, it's just not the right timing and from failure, we grow and learn. I have also learned that you can't make decisions, nor deal with people based on emotions. Emotions come and go (such as anger and hurt), but to choose to love that person or forgive that person is using the beautiful and logical mind that God gave us! Long story short, (after I've already rambled for five hours, lol) is this: When you truly love someone, you give your life for theirs. You wipe clean the slate, you bury your agenda and love them with every ounce possible. So even if your tired from a busy day, or they left their dirty clothes on the floor, look at them how God would and see them for the heart and soul you married. Brush off the bitterness, and stress of the day and make time for love. Make time to talk about your plans, your dreams, your goals. The dishes can wait, the TV shows can wait, heck sleep can even wait! Make the time to share with each other whats on your heart. So many couples wait until they no longer have anything to share or don't even know the words to begin. My hubby doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow while my mother in law watches the girls, I'm going to surprise him at work so we can have lunch together. Make time for Love!

Love...

I sat down with Sophia tonight and rocked her like I do every night. As I rocked her, we read two stories out of her princess book and chatted a little bit about our day and then we began saying prayers. I sometimes say them and she repeats me, or sometimes she just comes up with her own prayer. Tonight as I prayed, I prayed a prayer my Mom taught me when I was a little girl:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I shall die before I awake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

As a little girl I found comfort in this prayer because no matter where I was, or if my mom wasn't with me to help lead me into prayer, I had something to whisper up to God. Something to let my God know that I loved Him and wanted to be with Him. And as I prayed this prayer, I always felt like my Mom was praying it with me. Because of the comfort, security and love this prayer brought me, I wanted to share and teach it to Sophia. So as I said each verse, I asked her to repeat after me. When she repeated 'If I shall die before I awake', she got a very concerned look on her face. She asked why we were praying that. How do you explain death to a 3 year old? She correlates dying with my uncle Todd because that was the first time she heard the word 'died or passed away'. So as best as I could, I tried to explain to her that I didn't want anything to happen to her, but if for some reason it did, I would want her to be up in heaven where God was taking care of her and looking over her. And then I went on to tell her, "Even though Mommy and Daddy love you so very much, God loves you even more!" I told her God put her in my tummy and made her. She looked at me trying so hard to understand what I was telling her. I want her so badly to understand how much her Creator loves every single hair on her head and designed every little freckle, mole, and blood cell. That she is 'special', 'unique' and wonderfully and beautifully made. I want her to know she can be anything she wants to be and that I believe in her. I want her to ultimately know her worth! I feel like so many kids these days don't feel worthy or know how special and precious they are, and I want to make sure my girls know that as God loves me unconditionally, I will love them unconditionally. I am of course their Mommy, who wipes their tears and kisses their boo-boo's, but I feel I am also their mentor and the words that I say to them and use around them are how they will feel about themselves and who they will become. We as parents, have such a huge impact on the growth and development of our children. And though as a human being, I know I will make mistakes along the way, I want to be able to look back and see that I was a positive example and tool in the woman they grow up to be.